Hello everyone,
It has been a crazy couple of weeks but we've survived. As usual, I don't have that much time but I've wanted to write about this for a while - it's something that I've pondered more and more about and now have a little better understanding of it.
For those, on my email list who are not familiar with the vocabulary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, when I speak (or write, rather) of the atonement of Jesus Christ, I am referring to the event in the Bible when Christ suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane, suffered and died on the cross, and was resurrected. The atonement, as I grow in my knowledge and understanding of it, has come to mean so much more to me as I learn how to apply it in my daily life.
But what really is the atonement, you may ask. To explain it as simply as I know how is when Christ took upon himself ALL of the sins and weaknesses of everyone, In short, He experienced the lives of people who were, are, and will be and through His suffering we are given the gift of repentance; through His resurrection, we too will overcome physical death and become resurrected.
So yes, my brain knew and understood (on a very shallow level) all of that before I came on a mission. But what the atonement meant for me personally, I had no idea. I mean, I had somewhat of an idea but I could not say so with as much sincerity and conviction as I now can. I never really understood what it meant when people said, "yeah, I use the atonement everyday to help me." (You do so through prayer and partaking of the sacrament, btw).
Why am I writing all of this? Good question. A few weeks ago I was asked to give a talk in sacrament meeting - the subject was around the talk in General Conference in April - "Returning to the Faith." I briefly said that when I was younger I had experienced abuse and that I had to learn how to constantly return to what I believed or what I so desperately wanted to believe was true. That God, Heavenly Father, really does love us and that He really will help us in anything we ask.
After sacrament meeting, so many members came up to me with tear-filled eyes and said that they were abused too. Some, who never in my life I would imagine doing this, gave me a hug and said how much they appreciated my talk. (By the way, a quick shout-out to the wonderful Natasha Van De Wetering for helping in the correction of my Dutch. I love her!).
Two very interesting things happened after giving that talk that really affected me. One member, after church, asked us if we could come over for lunch some time so I could give her a copy of my talk because she's writing a book about her life and she wants to put it in there. At the lunch she said that when she was listening to my talk she sat there confused, thinking to herself, "This was my life."
It was a huge compliment to have her say that I reminded her of herself. She went on a mission for 18 months (the same kind of mission that we do now) in Germany when she was 65 years old. She's 82 now, but she doesn't look nor act like it. She said that when she wanted to go (she said that she didn't want to serve a mission in the Temple because she thought it would be too boring) her bishop laughed at her but told her to ask the stake president. She went to her eldest daughter (did I mention that she raised 5 kids, both of her husbands were not members of the church and wouldn't let her talk about it to her children, yet all of her children has joined and raised their children in the church) who gave her this advice, "Mom, Heavenly Father knows what you can do and you know what you can do. Go for it."
She said that her first 2 companions, when she was got there, told her that she could take a nap in the middle of the day if she needed. She refused to do so and went out and did the work with them. "They would come home, exhausted," she said, "and would just lay on the couch while I made dinner and did the laundry. I already had 5 children." I could go on further about how amazing she is, but due to the lack of time I'll just say that she gave me so much hope for who I could become in my future. I've found another hero, as I've been able to do in every one of my cities.
Anyways, the second thing happened when I was talking to one of my companions a few days ago. We were talking about her past and the abuse that she went through. "I didn't even realize that that was abuse. I thought that that was normal." she said. Somewhere in the conversation she said, "I'm just broken..." The thought had been forming in my mind for awhile, but I had yet to say it aloud. I replied, "Maybe that's a good thing. Our aim in life is have Christ in our countenance and being broken allows the atonement to fill in the cracks. It's what allows us to call upon the atonement to be healed and strengthened."
Lately I've been praying for the atonement to heal what has happened to my mind and body. Abuse has that much power to affect your mind; to warp it and cause lasting damage. I've come to realize that it's okay. It's okay that I was abused but I don't need to stay there. It's okay to feel the way the that I've felt and that it's also okay to let yourself be healed and change. I think it's all too easy to be so comfortable in your pain, so much so that you don't look for an answer or way to change.
As I've learn how to let Christ fill in those cracks, I've been able to see things in such a clearer way. The other day I went to MLC, which is just a meeting for the missionary leaders and I did a role-play to which our mission president listened in. Afterward, he said, "I saw eyes turn and listen to Sis. Begazo as she taught about repentance. You can just see it; it's in her." That was one of the biggest compliments I've ever received. I want people to literally see my faith within me.
Just some of my thoughts for this week. I won't be able to reply to emails until next Saturday, we're changing our p-day to visit the Anne Frank Huis, so sorry in advance for the late replies. I love you all. Hope you have a great week.
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